Dieting, Eleven Times Two

Clean 9 to Cloud 9?

Last September, I fell off my 6″ heels and broke my foot, at a night called ‘Break Stuff’ ironically enough. (I also did my ligament in in the process because, you know, go hard or go home.) I’ve always been something of a fitness enthusiast, and as I was recently single I not only had the spare time but also the incentive of a revenge body for motivation. Well – that fell flat on its face almost as spectacularly as I did when my ankle went out from under me – rendering me out of action for months (aka the longest period of time I have ever encountered, aside from yesterday’s 43-minute date).

Come January I was back in my stride, I was back to being incapable of picking up anything off the floor after leg day, my arms didn’t wobble when I clapped above my head at a gig and those lines down the sides of my abs were re-appearing.

Then I dropped a storage heater weighing the equivalent of a small house on my (other) foot and put myself firmly back to square one. FFS.

So I decided that 2017 started in March, and the first two months of the year were just practice runs. I’ve always been a fan of a good old spring clean, and while usually, this means chucking a load of old clothes in a carrier to take to the charity shop, this time I meant business – I wanted to wipe the slate clean and hit ‘reset’ on every aspect of my life.

I’d heard about Clean 9 (mainly from people trying to sell it to me on Facebook), but it never crossed my mind to try it as I thought it was just another faddy crash diet. I’m not even 8 stone, so it’s safe to say it wasn’t on my radar, however after more than a few people telling me how much better they felt afterwards, I decided increased energy levels, a complete flush out, and looking and feeling better was worth a shot.

Those people neglected to mention that that ‘shot’ was pure Aloe Vera – taken in two massive 60ml measures, four times a day. It has the consistency of wallpaper paste and an aftertaste not dissimilar to when you drink out of a cup that’s still got a bit of washing up liquid in the bottom. It’s not pleasant. But I’ve tasted worse.

So the plan is this, 2 days of (pretty much) fasting, before a 600 calorie a day diet for the remainder of the time. This is accompanied by so many vitamins I’m in danger of starting to rattle when I walk, a protein shake (that’s actually delicious), a fibre sachet (me thinks this has less to do with getting nutrients in your body than it has to do with acting as a hypothetical ‘cork’) and a list of free foods that I can’t even be bothered to chew.

Day One
Chest: 31″ (#blessed right?) | Waist: 28″ | Hips: 34″ | Weight: 7 stone, 9lbs

I carefully read the instructions, took my tablets, waited half an hour and at 7.17am this morning I had my first glass of Aloe before leaving for work. At 7.47am I had thrown up in the street. Twice. (Yeah I realised too late that when it said ‘take with water’ that the water was meant to act as a chaser, not the veritable cocktail that I had mistakenly created – thus prolonging the agony).

By 10.30am, my stomach was demonstrating what can only be described as the mating call of a family of whales, and I was harbouring homicidal thoughts towards anyone lucky enough to drink an actual cup of tea. Then I had the protein shake, and I felt better… before running to Tesco to stock up on as many of the free foods I could carry.

Come mid-afternoon something surprising happened… I started to feel… ‘full’. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t unbuttoning my jeans and doing that over-exaggerated exhale that only comes after a proper massive meal, but I wasn’t hungry either. I thought I was gonna be seriously lagging, but I actually came home, did a workout and decided I was gonna do it properly and stick to the ‘fast’. Eating’s Cheating. So far, so… undecided. But I don’t start thing I have no intention of finishing – so I’m gonna share all the gory details with you lot. Let’s see if it’s all it’s cracked up to be eh?