It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog, I could list excuses into double figures but the simple fact of the matter is that I haven’t chosen to do it – other things have taken priority.
Considering this, I stumbled across the subject for this particular post – the things we choose to do and what we make a priority – or another way of describing modern day single life!
Recently (and my friends will murder me in cold blood for this) I let my ex back into my life very briefly. He made the smallest of efforts and I took it as a sign that he was trying. We met up a few times, decided to start afresh and be friends with one another again – and friends we remain. Just friends, and it will never progress any further because of one simple word.
The very second he thought he was ‘back in’ all effort disappeared out of the window. Plans were cancelled last minute, weeks would go by without a single text and I realised that absolutely nothing had changed, but more importantly, I realised that I was OK with it. Let me clarify here – I’m not OK with his lack of effort, I’m OK with him being him – because I have moved on, and in doing so I have realised my own self-worth. I am glad that we are back on good terms, but I’m even more glad that this brief stint has shown me how far I have come.
At the very start of ‘the return’, I was excited. I thought it meant that he couldn’t live without me, couldn’t get past ‘us’ and had realised that I was worth another chance. In truth – he was fucking bored. After the first cancellation of plans, and the first week of no contact I started to make excuses for his behaviour to myself; perhaps I should just let him be and come to me when he wanted, it must have been scary reaching out after so much time, maybe it was needy of me to expect a text every day (or a response at the very least!) Perhaps I was EXPECTING TOO MUCH. The best one? Perhaps I should change my behaviour and accept how he was treating me – after all, he would never change. It was laughable! Trust me when I say this phase was short-lived!
Then my mom said one sentence that knocked me straight back down to Planet Earth with a bump.
“Shell – I think you should be honest with yourself.”
Thinking on this, I realised that no, I was NOT OK with being ignored for days on end, I was NOT OK with being cancelled on last minute like I was a backup plan. I wasn’t expecting too much – I was expecting to be treated according to my worth, and so out the window the whole thing was flung. That kind of behaviour from someone who is supposed to be into you is not ok, and I refuse to pretend for a second longer that it is.
Maybe it’s just me (it’s not), but when I’m into someone, I want to speak to them every day – about everything. I love that feeling when you get a good morning text, or you’re both sneaking off to the toilet at work to reply to one another because you can’t bear to wait until lunchtime or after work. The flip of my stomach when a name pops up on my screen and the best part about it is knowing that they are thinking of you and can’t wait to speak to you. Listen to me carefully – both guys and girls – if a romantic interest can go 2 – 3 days without speaking to you, not only are they not ‘the one’, they also couldn’t give a flying fuck about you. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We all deserve to be with someone that chooses us, First time, no question and without hesitation. Why the fuck would I want to be with someone that had to have a little think about whether they wanted a relationship with me or not? Had a little ‘uuuuuum and an aaaaaah’, looked around for any other options that might be a better deal and gone ‘ah fuck it go on then!’ Boy BYE! There is no way in the world that I would get with someone that hesitated over me. Hesitation is a display of uncertainty – that I’m a second choice or that I will ‘do for now’. Fuck right off. All the way off. Then fuck off a bit more. Dick.
Another gripe on this same subject? Three little words (no not those ones).
“I’m not ready”
Again, off in that direction, you can fuck. “I’m not ready” is the biggest excuse (aside from those other three words “I’ve been busy”) that veritably spew out “I’m lying through my teeth because I’m a coward”, as they are spoken. I’m sure if the person of your dreams rocked up and proclaimed their undying love you’d be more than ready, so do me the courtesy of not being a Billy Bullshitter, and just say “bab – it’s not you, you’re not the one I’m willing to be ready for” instead of feeding me a load of spiel about “maybe one day” or “I need some time”. I can understand if they’re fresh out of a relationship and hurting – that’s fair enough. But aside from that, you don’t need time, you need to grow a pair and give it to me straight so that I’m not left hanging around for months thinking I can do something to change your mind. Sure, it’d sting a little – but at least I could get back out there again and not sit and mither over all the reasons why I’m not good enough. That’s something I used to do a lot – think it was me. Nowadays? If you feed me that pile of tripe I will nod, smile and tell you that I understand completely, but know this – I see right through it. Every time. Without fail.
Now, there are some occasions where you are genuinely not looking for a relationship, and there will be certain people in your life that will prove, shall we say… useful. You’re both on the same page, there are none of the expectations with regards to messaging and plans, and you’re both winners. It’s a great arrangement as long as you both know the score and are happy with it. But it’s important to never assume that these people will someday be the person you end up with. They won’t be. Do not get this shit twisted. Enjoy it while it lasts, but the very second one of you thinks more of the situation than the other – get the fuck out of there. It will never end well. Call me a cynic all you like – but these kinds of arrangements should never involve either your head or your heart. Neither will come out intact.
I’m gonna chuck one more in the pot here for good measure: “Let’s see what happens”
Yet another, completely non-committal hesitation that just screams “I can’t be bothered”, UNLESS followed up by phone calls, plans, and dates arranged in advance. If you say “Let’s see what happens” to me, then ignore me for 2 days I’ll tell you what will happen – you won’t see me for dust.
Plans made in principle, i.e. “we should do this one day” without any follow up are just empty words. However, if you say “let’s see what happens”, and then follow up with “are you free on this day so we can do this thing I’ve been thinking about – let’s get it sorted and go and do it.” I will perhaps think that maybe you are interested. You see the difference?
Make the effort. Be consistent. Do what you say you’re going to do. It really isn’t that difficult. If you have no intention of acting upon your words – just don’t say them. I speak for myself here obviously, but I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that if I am sure of someone’s intentions, and I know that I am important to them without a shadow of a doubt – they will get the very best of me.
If you choose me – every day without a second thought, know that I will treat you like a fucking king. In no means is this a one-way thing, it applies to everyone – just make the effort. Take the chance, show the fuck up because you know what – not many people are doing it these days! On the other hand, if you treat me like an option, expecting wifey behaviour when all you are prepared to put forward are “maybe’s” and “one day’s” know that I will throw you back in the sea like the dead fish you are.
I know what I want. I’ve spent years giving everything I am to people that weren’t prepared to lift a finger for me because I thought it I tried a little harder, I could make it work. Relationships are not one-sided, and if you’re fighting alone to make something work then you are just better off out of it. The only thing that was achieved from this behaviour was my rapidly diminishing self-worth and my thinking I wasn’t good enough. Nope. Nuh Uh. Never again. This works both ways and if I am made to feel like I am not good enough – that my friend is on you.
So, I want to be lavished with attention and made to feel special. What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that what everyone wants at the end of the day? I’m not acting like that’s an unreasonable request anymore, and if you can’t be bothered, well then neither can I.