Dating, Eleven Times Two, My Life

“If he’s a ghost, then I can be a phantom…” *Taylor Swift voice*

So, this evening I was meant to be on a first date with a new guy. Instead, I am sitting on my sofa, post gym session, writing a blog about why I am not on said date.

We matched on Bumble (now deleted once more, and for the final time), we moved it to WhatsApp, we arranged to go out, he went away for the weekend and… I never heard from him again. Stone cold silence for 4 days. Then I get a message at 2pm today going “Hi Shelly, how have you been?”

*blinks*

Mate, are you serious?!

The worst part about this? I’m not in the slightest bit surprised! When I arranged to go out with Mark (yes, I am calling you out!) my mate at work asked me if I was excited, then seemed a bit taken aback when I said: “Nah, I’ll get excited when I actually meet him”. There are a few reasons behind this:

  1. I’m a dab hand at dates
  2. I wasn’t really bothered if I’m honest.
  3. I’m into someone else, and Bumble was a massive distraction technique to try and get him out of my head. (This failed, FYI)
  4. I have too much going on right now to let drama with men enter my head – it’s just not going to happen.

There would have been a time when I would have gotten upset, questioned what I had done to put him off or, worse, messaged HIM to see if we were still on.

Nope. Nu Uh. Not anymore.

You see, I’m approaching the 2-year mark on being ‘officially’ single, and in that time, I’ve learned a LOT about dating, namely – that dating apps DO NOT WORK FOR ME. There was the sociopath who loved to pick fights via text (Why Tho?), the infamous 43 minute date, the one who told me he loved me, but didn’t want a relationship, the one who talked for 2 hours about spreadsheets, the one who left early so he could have his protein shake on time, the one who joined me on a night out – then my friends overheard him asking where he could buy some drugs, the one who proposed on the first date, the one who asked me out, and when I asked whether it was a date or just drinks, he said (and I quote) “It’s a drate… but you’ll be sitting on my face by the end of the night”, and, of course, if you follow my social media, the final nail in the coffin who I shall only refer to as ‘Tomekkw Twat’.

BOY, BYE!

I used to find the dating scene soul-crushing. I would get me down and my single friends and I would moan about how shit it all is these days – and it IS! How the hell am I going to know if I like someone based on the 1.5 seconds it takes me to decide whether to swipe left or right? I am ALL about vibes and the energy I get from someone – that cannot be replicated on your phone, it just can’t.

I’m talking that moment when you clock someone across the room and your heart drops into your knickers. That first smile that makes your cheeks warm. Being able to talk about literally anything – even if you don’t make much sense because as soon as you get in close contact with them, you seem to forget how to construct a coherent sentence!

Energy speaks volumes – far more than any words ever could, and when you vibe with someone, you just do.

The real trouble with today’s dating scene is that people think they can do better, and so those that they are speaking to become disposable and throw-away, because in a few swipes time there will be someone hotter, younger, with a nicer car, with bigger tits… People are only committing to ‘seeing someone’, thinking that if they label it up this way, that they can carry on ‘seeing’ several other people, and everyone will have to just be ok with that – because ‘seeing someone’ doesn’t mean shit.

What has actually happened to admitting you like someone? To giving them a chance? I’m not just talking about men by a long shot – women do this too. These days we can’t even admit to someone’s face that we like them! Heaven forbid they know that we find their face aesthetically pleasing, that we admire their drive or that we think they’re funny! Instead, we just go on random liking sprees and stalk their social media! I for one can fully admit to posting something on my Insta Story and only caring when one person has seen it. (You’ve done it too, and you know it!) Will I ever tell him to his face? Highly unlikely. Will I amp up my social media feed and make a little extra effort when I know he’ll be about? Of course, I will – why? Well, there’s no other excuse for it other than being a giant pussy. Not a word I usually associate myself with tbf – but in this case, I’m a veritable Tony the Tiger, aka waaaaaay up there on the scale.

My problem is that a: I’m exceptionally friendly, and b: I’m a proper lad’s girl, and so I am FULLY aware that I come off as a massive flirt and this can be confusing to some. Let me set the record straight here – I AM SHIT AT FLIRTING! Really, I’m just the worst. I’ve made several attempts at this in the past and always walked away mentally punching myself in the face for coming across as completely socially inept. Who asks “so, do you like food?” and expects to come across as a vixen? Seriously? So, now I don’t flirt. Instead, I just speak to them like I am an actual human being from this planet – and smile more.

I could talk about dating disasters until the cows come home, as I’m sure many of you could too, but I’m determined not to have any more of them now. I’ve had my fill thanks, and step one of this is doing what I have said countless times before, and coming off the dating apps. Instead, I am going to start venturing back out into the abyss and, you know, vibing with people. I was out with my friends a few weeks back when this guy just came and sat in front of me and introduced himself, and guess what? I gave him a chance! 10 minutes later I was crying laughing at a story he was telling me and patting myself on the back for not being a Mean Girl and telling him he couldn’t sit with us. Nothing came of it, I was out with my girls – but it taught me a very valuable lesson. You can meet some of the most amazing people when you least expect it, and when you are open to doing so they will come into your life. I stood back on the same night out and watched people in bars staring at their phones, some were even swiping – completely oblivious to what was going on around them.

There was one exception to this rule that stood out, a guy that warranted a Facebook status from me the following morning – all because he made his move on me, and then followed another girl across the bar before he’s even finished his sentence. “You’re stuninng, what’s your… never mind”. He LITERALLY left swiped IRL and went right after the blonde who caught his attention the next minute. He was back 15 mins later like nothing had happened – and I told him all about himself.

This is the dating scene today, we are so consumed with perusing our options that are fed to us via our phones that we forget and take in the world around us and actually allow ourselves to like just one person. The real people are in front of you – right there, in the flesh. So, if, like me, you’re a bit sick of phony bullshit – do yourself a favour, and look up. You never know what you may find if you do.