Eleven Times Two, My Life

My eureka moment

Well, once again it’s been a while, and a (very) belated Happy New Year to you all, I hope 2018 is treating you well so far?

A lot has happened since the last time I posted anything on this blog (standard), and it forced me to go into hiding somewhat in order for me to process what is going on in my brain right now. For the past few months, I have been on a huge journey of self-discovery – and it turns out there is more to me that I ever could have imagined – and it’s both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

Not so long back, I was told by two very different people at two very different times that I have absolutely no idea about the power I hold within me. One of these people said “You really have no idea how badass you are, do you? Stop hiding it! Stand up – you can really make a massive difference to the world, you just have to come out of the shadows where you feel safe and you have to unleash it. Do you know how rare you are?!”

It was like a punch to the throat.

Why? Because my entire life I’ve fought an internal battle between wanting to hide away in the corner avoiding any attention, and knowing deep down that I have the capability within me to make a real difference the world. I thought I had come out of self-destruct mode an awfully long time ago, it turns out I had simply been pointing a different weapon at my own head this whole time. Self-doubt, and a distinct lack of courage, in the shape of a loaded pistol.

Now that I know this, I am making moves to change it. I am taking myself out of my comfort zone, challenging myself daily and basically working towards not being a pussy when it comes to certain things. I mean, I’m not exactly shy and retiring! I can talk the hind leg off a donkey with anyone and everyone, I am very much ‘what you see is what you get’ and I will fight to the death over something or someone that I believe in. I’ve just never before found that one thing that ignited the fire within me that I couldn’t dampen out. Now, I have.

I have known what I have wanted to do and be all along – it’s the very reason I started this blog.

I AM a Writer.

And right there, with those four words, I have declared it to myself, to you and to The Universe. I have put it out there with absolute certainty, passion, and confidence.

I communicate most eloquently when the words come from my hand instead of my mouth and, from the feedback I get whenever I post a blog – it turns out that apparently, I’m not half bad at it either. The hardest part? Knowing what I want to say. Knowing what I have to say. Knowing what I need to say.

And with that, came My Eureka Moment.

I’m not prepared to share the details with you just yet, just know that I have found my voice, and when I am ready to speak out on it, I will. I just know that it is BIG. A few of my nearest and dearest know – and although they get it, I’m pretty sure they think I’m bonkers at the same time! But in the words of CS Lewis… “all of the best people are…”

The major stumbling block I have and come across time and time again is my impeccable procrastination skills.

“I’ll do it when…”
“Let me just get this out of the way first…”
“I’ll start right after I’ve made a cuppa, put a load of washing on, done the washing up, ironed, re-organised my wardrobe and cleaned the entire flat…”

That stops today. It is now February and I promised myself that I would start for the New Year, so my New Year is starting a month late, better now than never right? It’s time for me to stop wishing and talking, and start knowing and doing. That means getting my shit together, creating a plan of action and some of the hardest work I will ever embark on. It means balancing a job that I love, in a new role that is totally in my lane, my new-found love for the gym and getting myself in the best shape of my life (nailing it), maintaining the important relationships with my Inner Circle, and making sure I am not only functioning at my highest level at all times – but I am continually climbing.

I’ve never been afraid of getting my hands dirty, and I have never been afraid of working my ass off. I know that I need to up my game and put myself out there fully, and everything I do I approach with an ‘all or nothing’ attitude, but I saw something on Instagram not too long back that made me realise I had been coming at it all wrong for a long time.

Alignment > Hustle

Two words and a symbol knocked some serious sense into me. I don’t need to slog away 20 hours a day exhausting myself mentally and physically – I just need to work smarter. I need to be so sure of my goal that the blinkers come down and nothing and no-one can get in my way of achieving it. It’s about knowing in my gut what I need to do, it’s about trusting the process and it’s about letting everything flow just exactly as it needs to. It’s about letting go – of control, fear and self-doubt once and for all. That’s bloody easier said than done for a forward thinker, meticulous planner and someone with the patience of a gnat once I get an idea in my head! Anything worth having is worth waiting for, right? BOLLOCKS! Einstein said there is no such thing as time – so I want it now damn it! Ugh, it’s enough to make my eye twitch!

So, what now? Well – now I retreat into my corner. I gather my wits, I go down the rabbit hole of self-discovery and I perfect the words that I am so close to being ready to share. It’s go time.

Watch this space.